The Wave

"He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God." -Aeschylus


The wave. Unless you have lived a life without suffering, you have felt it. For me, it comes in the first 10-60 seconds of waking. My eyes have sprung open. I've checked the vitals of my children. Checked the time. All is normal. All is well.


Then it hits.


That crashing reminder that all is, in fact, not well.


Crash! Remembering the diagnosis.
Crash! Someone who was there yesterday, is no longer here today.
Crash! Trust lost, in its place betrayal.
Crash! No husband warm beside you. Instead he is miles away.


Crash! Reality. You shake the fuzziness from your mind and reality rushes in clear. Twisting the stomach and sinking the heart. I have started singing "In the morning, when I rise, give me Jesus" loud and clear for my children to hear. Loud enough so my soul cannot deny the fact that even when Jesus is dreaming in the boat as the waves threaten to drown me in anguish, I am still his and he is still mine. I want my kids to know it. If our days start with tears or grogginess or forced smiles over Cheerios or a rush to throw on clothes, when we rise, we ask for Jesus.


The last week started with hope. I was cautious to be excited but outside help was coming to assist my limping marriage and I really was excited! I couldn't wait to take one step forward to healing, even if it was a baby step.


Hope deferred makes the heart sick: but when the desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life. -Prov. 13:12


My hope was strangled in disappointment and betrayal. It took 3 days to cry, but when I did, I couldn't stop. Maybe I put my faith in a human instead of just laying all of this mess in front of Jesus and putting my hands up.


I don't trust you, Next Week. Instead of excitement, now I feel afraid. Afraid of what next week will hand me. A blow of despair? No thank you. I would rather quit.


But I won't quit. Not that I'm opposed to quitting things...that sugar addiction for example...but I know that marriage and love is worth the fight. And even when I have lost my fight, I am still His and He is still mine and the Lord goes before me this week to fight my battles.


He knows what is happening each morning as the wave hits. Pain, as Aeschylus put it, does not forget. Neither does our God who never sleeps. In his grace, he gives us the gem of wisdom through suffering. He doesn't waste our pain, he refines us in it.


Do you feel the crash? Take cover in him.